Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
