I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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