I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Randomize
