i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
