meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
