my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
