You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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