Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
