how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Randomize
