i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
