walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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