I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
My vagina is officially offended.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
