you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
