My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
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