just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
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Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
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