Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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