Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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