Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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