Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
