well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
