and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Randomize
