Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
