I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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