My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
