When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
The beers last night were like the tears from god
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
