I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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