its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Randomize
