I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
