I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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