Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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