Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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