i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Randomize
