I can't breathe out the right side of my face
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
