i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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