today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
