Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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