In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Randomize
