Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
