im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
