Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
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Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
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Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Randomize