Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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