The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
