I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
