I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
