i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
