i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
