You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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