I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Randomize
