just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Randomize
