i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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