mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Randomize
