The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
