Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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