Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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