I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
