I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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