I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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