Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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