Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
You can't just leave with hair like that
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
